I don’t wear a hijab, I don’t pray five times a day and I don’t have the entire Quran memorized. Yes I’m allowed to eat pepperoni pizza and yes I can have a girlfriend. I’ve spent my entire life thinking I’m a bad muslim. I’ve even been told that I don’t deserve to be called a muslim. Being bisexual doesn’t help, my identity splits and forces me to choose between my sexuality and my religion. I don’t care what society says. I know I don’t have to choose. I’m still muslim and I’m queer. Just because I’m not conservative doesn’t mean I’m a terrible person. It’s unfair that I have to let go of my Muslim heritage just because my fellow muslims think my existence is a “sin”. I am expected to cover up and “pray the gay away”, while other muslims commit the sin of judging me.

Although I’m not as religious, I deeply respect Islam. I believe it is a beautiful and peaceful religion. My favorite thing is fasting in Ramadan. I even help make the cultural foods.The aroma of cumin, chili, and garlic fills our kitchen. Being responsible for making the meal that will break my family’s fast feels special. Rolling out the samosa dough, shaping them into bite sized triangles and filling them with meat. I was always in charge of making Tabouleh, a Lebanese salad. It involves chopping up massive amounts of parsley, tomatoes, onions and cucumber into tiny pieces. “Tabouleh only needs olive oil, lemon, salt and pepper” was my grandma’s advice for how I should season the salad. Her words echo in my mind every time I make it and it always turns out perfect. Ramadan is the only month I feel involved in my community. To me it’s a spiritual detox, a month of forgiveness and positivity.

Ignorance is a cultural muslim’s enemy. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone asked me why I don’t wear a “scarf thingy”. I fight the urge to respond with a snarky comment, and inform them that the correct term is a “Hijab” and that the purpose of a hijab is to protect women from the male gaze. I then explain that I don’t wear it because it doesn’t align with my beliefs, but I respect it since the women in my family wear it. This ignorance sometimes comes from muslims themselves.

A lot of Muslims are judgmental, especially towards women, it comes from internalized misogyny and misinterpretation of Islamic teachings. They assume that because I’m gay I am not allowed to participate in religious activities, even though Allah loves all his creations. My community is supposed to welcome me and accept me, not judge and shame me. I’ve seen Muslim men justifying hitting their wives using Hadiths. My uncle is one of those men, if his wife leaves him she’d also be judged, since divorce is some sort of taboo. I’ve even seen a Sheik tell women that threading their eyebrows is haram. Misogyny, homophobia and false claims push me away from being as involved in Islam as I want to be.

I love shocking people who think Muslims are supposed to look or act a certain way, the surprised look on their face is priceless. “Oh my God!You’re not supposed to eat that”, turns into an awkward silence after educating them. American media loves portraying muslims in a bad light. The only muslim representation we have is war, violence and terror. It’s clear that people need a deep reimagining of how diverse Muslims are. A gay girl with short hair and a nose piercing can be muslim. A man with tattoos covering his body can be muslim. A woman who got three divorces can be muslim.

Ignorance is setting us back and it makes cultural Muslims such as myself feel ashamed & guilty. The feeling of not belonging in the community where I grew up destroys me. I wish people understood how personal religious journeys are. Humans are such complex beings and we cannot expect each other to have the same beliefs.