In an interview with Hayat’s Managing Editor, Maha Qadri, Nawal Umar discusses matchmaking and rishtas in the Muslim community and her career in Public Health.
Matching making in the modern age.
Qadri: How did you get into matchmaking? Do you have restrictions on who you match (Muslim, South Asian, etc.)?
Umar: I got into matchmaking on a whim! I have a lot of friends and family members who have been through the wringer trying to find their life partner. They had tried multiple avenues and were unsuccessful in finding someone and I just wanted to do my part in helping them find someone and also being able to bypass some of these dragged-out talking stages. I also feel that, as a Muslim, it’s our obligation as members of a community to help others, and one of the ways we can help them is by connecting them to others.
Currently, I only matchmake Muslims across various diverse backgrounds and from ages 21+ just because I feel that this demographic is one that I can relate to and there aren’t as many options or avenues dedicated to young Muslims as their non-Muslim counterparts.
Qadri: Can you explain your process? I know you begin by having applicants fill out a google form, but what’s the behind the scenes process like for you?
Umar: So once someone fills out the form, I add them to a mega spreadsheet/database that I have internally. I then cross-compare the profile with existing profiles and mark down any potential matches. I also score these matches for potential compatibility, prioritizing the most compatible matches to be brought forth. If/when both individuals are available, I then introduce the match to both individuals to get their approval and/or allow them to ask follow-up questions. If they both confirm the match, we schedule a time slot for a short, introductory Zoom call where I am present for the first few minutes to level set and give guidance and then I hop off the call and let the two people chat and see if they vibe with one another. If they do, then they can continue to chat on their terms and I will continue to check in on their progress and facilitate however I can. If not, then we bring them back to the matching pool and start all over!
Qadri: Have you ever had a situation where the family of your matched pair does not agree with the match? How did you/would you handle the situation?
Umar: I have dealt with this before and it is not an easy situation. While I cannot entirely prevent this from happening, I do ask my clients on the form how much they anticipate parental involvement as well as try and ask them if their parents are aware that they are signing up for this service just so we can avoid hiccups like this. I think it is also on the individual participating in the service to make sure they are keeping their family in the know (assuming they are relevant or important to their decision-making) and to set and maintain boundaries with family members regarding this process because ultimately that does impact both people’s lives.
Qadri:What advice do you have for someone seeking yours or another matchmaker’s expertise? What mindset and expectations should they have before starting the process?
Umar: I think my biggest piece of advice is to just be open-minded about the process! You never know who you could meet or who is meant for you. From a religious lens, I always tell people that sometimes we may want something, yet Allah (SWT) doesn’t think is in our best interest and sometimes we might not have considered something that Allah (SWT) thinks is best for us. That being said, it is important to have key values and characteristics that are important to you and dealbreakers that are reasonable.
Qadri: Matchmaking/rishtas have been a very big part of our culture for a long time. In what ways have you modernized the process? What traditional elements have you preserved?
Umar: I think one of the ways I have tried to modernize the process is through the use of Zoom so that people from all across North America can get connected which can help eliminate 1) the drawn-out texting phase before a real conversation if folks are not in the same area and 2) helps folks get a better sense of their potential compatibility and if they share the same values and get along beyond just matching up on paper. In terms of traditional elements, I still send a biodata of sorts to each person prior to the Zoom call to confirm a match as well as I think some of the questions I ask on my form are very similar to what traditionally rishta “aunties” may ask of people (i.e. what’s your family like, what’s your educational background, etc).
Umar on the importance of sex education, especially in the Muslim community.
Qadri: I read you also work as a Policy Analyst and studied Public Health at UT. What made you pursue this field?
Umar: I work as a Senior Policy Analyst at a non-profit that advocates for comprehensive sexual health education in K-12 public schools. Before this, I received my B.S. in Public Health from UT and an M.P.H. from Columbia, specializing in Sexuality, Sexual, and Reproductive Health.
Growing up, I had always wanted to be in a field that involves empowering individuals to improve their physical and mental well-being. For this reason, I had initially wanted to pursue medicine as I wasn’t aware of all the other avenues to be in health until I entered college and took some coursework in public health. Because of this, I became passionate about health education and health promotion since I worked as a peer health educator on my university campus and realized I enjoyed providing community instruction on health and wellness and participating in community-level public health prevention efforts, including leading health workshops across my campus, passing condoms out on campus to ensure folks have access to the methods to have protected sex, and working as a student assistant in our university’s health promotion office. This led to me shifting my focus from a pre-medical track majoring in Neuroscience to graduating with my degree in Public Health instead.
Qadri: I was intrigued to learn that your graduate thesis was about exploring parent-teen communication about sex and sexual health in Muslim-American families. The taboo of sex and talking about sex is well known in the community, but what were some other things you learned in your research?
Umar: As I mentioned, I am passionate about reproductive rights and justice, which includes the right to quality sex education, especially within the Muslim community because of how taboo the topic of sex and sexuality is and yet simultaneously integral to our overall health. Muslims face many sexual and reproductive health disparities including a knowledge gap about things like sexually transmitted infections and access to contraception. I think that not having discussions about sex and sexual health is doing young Muslims a disservice and not adequately preparing them for healthy development from childhood to older age. Not only that, but sex education provides foundational knowledge on one’s anatomy, understanding one’s bodily autonomy, and how to be in healthy relationships where you feel safe and make your partner feel safe and loved in turn. That is what motivated me to write my Master’s thesis and what motivates me to work in the field of sex education policy.
Qadri: Any upcoming announcements, projects, or shoutouts you want to make?
Umar: I want to shoutout my husband, family, and friends who have supported me throughout this crazy year of matchmaking and using every opportunity to spread the word about my service, provide me emotional support when I have to deal with occasionally unpleasant encounters, give me sound advice on how to ensure compatibility between folks, and have just kept me motivated to keep doing what I am doing. I also want to shout out some of my amazing clients who make the service so worthwhile and who have always been so positive, affirming, and appreciative and have trusted me with holding their hand and supporting them through this process of finding someone as much as I can do so.
For folks interested in signing up for my service that I do as my “5-9” or wanting to learn more about the work I do in sex education for my “9-5”, feel free to reach out to me @nqu.jpg on Instagram!
